Back to CrossFit!

I did it! I finally went back to CrossFit! I never ran or made it to the regular gym earlier in the day. I really did want to run, but I felt like I was lacking energy and was irritated that there were so many people everywhere once I made it out. Apparently nobody was working. At all. You should have seen the Whole Foods parking lot! It’s never like that during the week! Once I made it back from the grocery store, I started cooking in my little tiny area of counter space! I have no idea how people live with tiny kitchens! I guess the house Jon originally lived with me in only had about 2-3 feet total of counter space, but I wasn’t a big cooker then. Drove me crazy.

Anyway, I had asked Jon to go to CrossFit with me. I saw that they were doing 5×5 back squats and that was all it said. I love back squats so I figured it’d be a good day to go! Jon decided not to go with me, so I almost backed out. I don’t know where all this nervousness about going to a new gym came from. Although I’ve definitely grown in being fairly confident in my CrossFit abilities, I think I’ve also grown used to surrounding myself with small groups of people. So going into a new gym was really intimidating for me for some reason. I got there really early and sat in the parking lot and almost went home! I felt really anxious for a few minutes and then decided I just needed to go in. I can’t let being uncomfortable with new groups of people keep me from doing something I love.

It was awkward at first. I showed up during a huge 5:30 class  in the middle of their WOD and as Jon said, the gym has their competitors that can do what they want at the gym, so it seemed kind of chaotic. I just stood around until the class actually started. Thankfully, there were only three of us! Another girl that I think is about my age was there and she was really nice! It was less intimidating being with such a small group of people.

Since my squatting form isn’t great because of my lack of mobility, I worked on that with another coach instead of doing the back squats, which was totally fine with me. Then we did 21-15-9 of a calorie row (21 calorie row, etc) and front squats. I only did 55# on my front squats and felt tired! I was really glad it wasn’t anything long and that I didn’t go any heavier. It took me 7:15 to finish. I was glad to get some lower body work in today though and definitely want to go back to work out more.

It is definitely weird to feel intimidated by CrossFit after so long. And truly, it is not by CrossFit at all. It’s just weird having that anxiety over having to work out in front of people. I have always felt that at LA Fitness, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that at a CrossFit gym. I’m hoping to push myself out of my comfort zone at least once a week (cause that’s my goal right now with CrossFit) to get a workout in. If my school and work schedule is ever slow enough, I’d be happy to get back into it more, but I also want to keep running. And I really do need to work on my mobility so I may have to try to throw in some yoga classes.

So, while I have no set resolution for the new year, I do need to be dedicated again to working out. I don’t even want it say CrossFit. I know I can do various things and am seeming to be more into the variety than just sticking to one thing. Once I get into the swing of working out again, it’s not a problem. I’ve just been out of being in a gym on  daily basis for 7 months now, so the initial jump back into it is difficult for me. I really hope to get Jon back into the swing of things and get him to be more active than he has been lately.

Anyway, I’m off to bed. It’s 10:30 and I took some Benadryl awhile ago to help me get to sleep after my lazy day and late workout. Working 7a-7p tomorrow 😦


Lazy Monday Morning and Engagement Photos!

I just stayed in bed till 10am and it was awesome. I snoozed for 2 hours. I’m a master snoozer. Now I’m watching TV shows on my new couch! I’m going to make some breakfast and sit on my couch and relax! I know my next day off isn’t until the second weekend n January, so I’m soaking this in. We’re going back to Florida this weekend and then the following we’re finally going to my parent’s cabin! We used to go all the time when we were together the first time, but now Jon needs the internet for his homework and we don’t have the internet up there, so we never go! I’m sure it’ll be freezing up there but I’m hoping for some good weather at least! I just need to make it out alive to that weekend! I hate being at the hospital for so many days in a row, so being there 4 days one week and 5 the next already makes me feel mentally exhausted!

Anyway, I’m hoping to get in a run and a workout at the gym today. My only other plans are grocery shopping and trying to do something around the house. I feel like I’m at a stopping point with putting things away cause we need most of the stuff left. Jon did make progress on the outlets last night! It takes him awhile to get one done, so it’s definitely not a fast project, but the white outlets seems so nice compared to the old yellow ones! Ah, love it! I know Jon wasn’t excited when I bought my house, but I really love having my own place! And I really love that Jon is around to make this our house together!

Okay, I was just being lazy so though I’d at least update my blog!

I’ll leave you all with a few of our engagement photos!


Our kiss right after the engagement.


One of my favorites! Always making me laugh!


This was supposed to be the background for all the photos, but Jon stopped early in all her nervousness!

House projects galore!!!!

Wow! What a week! Christmas day we spent in Florida with Jon’s family! We got up fairly early (I was glad the kids are too young to wake up at 5am and annoy everybody to wake up) to watch Zoe and Slade open presents. Then we ate my french toast casserole, which was pretty good, and hung out with Brad and Rebecca and then Jon’s parents came over. After some family time, Jon and I headed out to meet one of his high school friends that I’ve been hearing about for 5 years now, and then it was back to Georgia!

We got in around 10pm, did laundry, and went to bed. I woke up for work early on Thursday and Friday. I had been planning on having productive nights, but instead Jon and I had two movie nights in a row. I can’t tell you how nice it was to just sit on the couch and cuddle up with him. I really wish we had an entire day to sit and do nothing together. But we don’t!

This weekend was spent painting from sun up to sun down! By sun up, I mean sun up for me. At like 9am. But still till sun down. My mom and dad came to help me for the weekend! I had picked a nice, light gray, which ended up being a nice, light blue once it went on the walls. I still like it though. It made a huge difference in how the house looks! I had planned on a greenish gray kitchen, but then realized I’d have to extend the wall into the dining room and I’m not okay with that, and I’m not okay with stopping paint in the middle of a wall. Anyway… One wall left tomorrow because we had to patch a hole and it wasn’t dry this afternoon. Another perk to painting was taking down all the alarm systems that were on my walls! Apparently nobody removes them. Ever. I had three alarm systems on my walls and they weren’t small.

Unfortunately, when my couches were delivered yesterday, the accent chair couldn’t be put together probably because the people didn’t try hard enough because it was “broken,” so I don’t get that until the 13th. But my couch is amazing! I was having buyer’s remorse about it because I thought it would look bad, but it doesn’t at all! And it’s really comfortable!  Now that everything is painted, I’m dying to decorate! I want to hang everything and go find rugs and buy new pillows! Unfortunately, I have spent an insane amount of money this month and am not buying anything until I pay off most of the floors.

The house is still a mess (when will it be normal again?!?!) and Jon is trying to change all of our outlets and light switches. Not just the plates, but the actual little pieces too. They were all yellow cause this place was built in 1985 and when it was renovated, it was only done enough to resell and not really up to a high standard, so we’re working on all the little things. And every light in our house is apparently controlled by one breaker, so I’m chilling in the dark while Jon works by lantern (for real, his dad got us one for Christmas).

I did get to go to our annual high school Christmas reunion last night! We normally go to Taco Mac for it, but this year had it at a girl’s house. It was a blast. Those kids crack me up all the time! I actually wasn’t even that good of friends with most of them in high school, but became friends with some of them over the years and am now friends with some of them solely because of our Christmas get together. We had a blast! I, of course, was the first one to leave (at 1am though, so I made it pretty late!). I also only drank one glass of wine and woke up with a headache that lasted the entire day, even with motrin and BC powder. Not sure if that was because of the wine or how I was sitting when I was painting trim all day yesterday, but it still made me feel old.

Clearly, I haven’t been exercising. I did take a look at my thighs last night and they look so small. I hate it. Where is my muscle?! Just kidding. I know it disappears when I don’t do anything active. But I’m itching to get back into working out. I’m thinking of dropping in to CrossFit tomorrow, but it seems pointless because I work Monday-Friday for the next 2 weeks after that, so I’ll probably wait since I couldn’t go back for so long. It has also been really dreary in Georgia (seriously, are we in Seattle?! this is so depressing!) and it kills my motivation and so does living in a messy house. I’m easily influenced by my surroundings. I’ve also been eating horribly. I can’t recall the last time I ate this much bread. French toast casserole, cinnamon rolls, bagels galore, Dove chocolates, popcorn (three bags in three days)… What is wrong with me?! I can’t wait to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

I also can’t wait to get this house back in order. I wish I had a nice, relaxing break from school all month, but it wasn’t at all. Is it sad that I’m hoping that by Thursday night, we have our house back in order (because we go back to Florida on Friday)? Three entire weeks of a house in shambles! I’m over it. This is the first time since the 12th that I’ve sat down and read blogs because I’ve been doing too much house stuff.

Enough about my house and lack of exercise. Boring.


Our dining room. Don’t let looks deceive you. This is the only clean room in our house. Also, can’t wait to get a nice, round rug to put under the table and to hang up some pictures! It’s finally starting to feel like home in here!

Christmas Eve day!

My first full day as an engaged woman is coming to an end!


Because what you all need is another picture of my hand creeping up from the bottom of the picture.

It really is crazy. We’ve started talking wedding planning already, mostly because Jon’s sister is planning the wedding for us down in Florida so we have to give her an idea of what type of venue to look for.

Anyway, I managed to wake up at 7:30 today feeling wide awake! I was surprised but grateful! Jon and I got up and hung out with Zoe and Slade for awhile before we got ready to go get some Christmas shopping done. It was surprisingly cool when we went outside this morning! It was in the 80s all the other days and we’ve been used to our 40s in Georgia, so it actually felt kind of good not to be sweating! We had a quick breakfast at Cracker Barrel and then went on with the day of trying to find gift cards and buy food for my baked french toast casserole thing that I’m making for tomorrow morning! We also went to Dick’s and I ended up buying a new hat since I lost my North Face fleece hat that I loved (and went between another North Face hat today and a Spyder hat for like, 15 minutes before making the final decision- lucky Jon). I bought two new ear warmer headbands for running in, which may or may not actually just be headbands. I really can’t tell. I also really don’t care. They’re ear warmers for me. And then I bought another pair of the Under Armour running pants that I love. I actually prefer to just run in spandex short and compression socks, but I wear pants if it’s windy or I’m running near my house since it’s all shaded. I also live in those pants if I wear leggings or sweatpants. They’re like my long johns. Best pants ever. Anyway, so that was how Christmas shopping went for me today. But those are all things I have been meaning to buy. My last “gift” on my list (because I really only like to buy for myself at Christmas) is a green Lululemon shirt. Then I’m done.

I’m really bad at Christmas. Everybody I know can afford to buy what they want, and because I don’t like random knick knacks (aka: crap) around my house, I don’t like to give it to other people. I want people to only have things they really want- which are things I think they buy for themselves. This is how I feel anyway, and I can’t imagine how somebody who actually really likes gift giving or receiving gifts feels. So it all seems pointless. Like, I’ll spend $50 on you and you’ll spend $50 on me. How about you just go buy whatever you want with your own $50 and I’ll buy what I want with mine? In our secret Santa with Jon’s family, I asked for a gift card to Sherwin Williams so I can paint. I got a Visa gift card (note: Sherwin Williams does not have gift cards available; I imagine this is because nobody but me wants paint as a gift). I’m very happy with this.

Enough of how I feel about Christmas. This was supposed to be all about what I bought for myself today. I’m kidding. After our Dick’s outing (which I wanted to craft some clever Facebook status about how even though I’m engaged, you can’t take away my love of Dick’s but thought Jon would prefer for his mom and dad not to witness my classiest moments like that), we went to visit with Jon’s mom and dad #2 (as in, the number two, not the hashtag 2). We hung out for a bit and then headed back to Brad and Rebecca’s so I could make my french toast casserole and spend some time with the family.

I spent my whole night on failbook. I read 24 pages of it. Sorry I didn’t have time to reply to any blogs, guys. Busy on failbook. You know how it is.

Okay, time for me to rest up for the big Christmas day tomorrow. I’m assuming I’ll be up way too early for my liking since Zoe and Slade wake up way too early and I’ll be up to watch them open presents. We’re going to a movie with Jon’s parents and then we have to visit a friend of his who is coming into town, and then we’re driving back to Georgia. I have to work from 11a-7p on the 26th, which is really depressing.


Tonight Jon and I had set up to have a double date with Brad and Rebecca at Indochine in Jacksonville! After he and I spent the afternoon going for a 2.5 mile run at the beach (totally feeling under the weather and it was 20 degrees hotter than my running weather for the last few months!) and then trying to find out where one of his Army forms is, we made it back to his sister’s to get ready. Rebecca and Brad started dating shortly before Jon and I did five years ago, but were married really quickly and then had our favorite niece, Zoe, and nephew, Slade. We have stayed with them for the last several years and I just love their family!

Anyway, tonight we all left at different times. Brad and Becca had to drop the kids off at the sitter’s house, so Jon and I went to a park in Jackosnville until they were ready to meet us for our double date (by the way, first double date in like, four years, so we were thrilled!). We had been walking around enjoying the scenery, and after a few futile attempts to get him to walk across one of the bridges over the St John’s River, I gave up. Finally, Rebecca called to tell me that her and Brad were on their way, so we turned to go back to the car and head over to Indochine.

As we were walking back, Jon stopped me. I knew that Jon had my engagement ring at our house somewhere and lately he has been messing with me as we’re out and saying things like, “I have a question for you,” implying that he’s going to propose but totally messing with me! He actually did it after I went running at the beach this morning! So, as he stopped me, I just go, “Stop, you’re so annoying!” cause I figured he was messing around again. Then he got on one knee… I’m still totally not convinced and then he pulls out the ring! Then I say, “Oh my god, you have the ring!” and Jon says,

“Yeah, will you marry me?”

And then, with all my romanticism and rainbows, I say, “I thought you were fucking with me!” And then of course, I said yes. I don’t even swear much. I was just really caught that off guard! I had a few tears and then he pointed out Rebecca standing over in the trees capturing the moment. I haven’t seen the photos yet but am very excited! A few onlookers clapped for us and Brad honked the horn from the car and Zoe came running over! We took a few more photos and then Brad and Rebecca really did go drop the kids off and Jon and I made our phone calls and went to the restaurant a little early.

We didn’t eat at Indochine, but I had two glasses of wine and 1 1/2 glasses of champagne tonight, so the name of the restaurant escapes me. We had a nice, fancy dinner with good wine and good food and I was really extremely grateful that Brad and Rebecca were there. They have been there monthly through almost every step of our relationship, and even when Jon and I were broken up, I still kept in contact with Rebecca. Her and Brad are what I expect a loving marriage to be and I have always felt welcome in their house, so it was really just a perfect ending to the best day ever.

Although I don’t have the actual proposal pictures yet, I have these:


This one of Zoe doing her makeup with me and Slade playing in the bathroom, which is a daily occurrence when we visit and I love it.


The happy engaged couple!



The ring! I have wanted this ring for the last 4 1/2 years, since the first time we were together!


Some photos from Rebecca from our cheers-ing!

After dinner, we came home and popped a bottle of champagne and then relaxed. I got a nice foot massage and now Jon and I are about to get a nice night of sleep before we enjoy our last full day in Florida and our first full day as an engaged couple! Goodnight, everybody!!!

Christmas-time greetings!

Well well well! I’m making this in the quiet of the guest bedroom at Jon’s sister before I go out to the living room and his niece realizes I’m awake! There is no peace and quiet with children around. Which I love during my visits to Florida at all times except for when I first wake up!

I finally made it out for a run on Wednesday afternoon! With all the floors, it has just been so hectic that time to run seemed impossible to come by. I probably could have found some, but I was also happy having a few minutes to relax when I had the chance. Priorities. And running isn’t number one. However, I was impressed because I planned on going about three miles and ended up going five.


Mile 1: 8:48, Mile 2: 9:06, Mile 3: 8:50, Mile 4: 8:25, Mile 5: 7:46 Total: 43:14

I was so excited about the 7:46! I was feeling good at the start of my last mile and decided maybe .2 or .3 miles into it to try and go for a mile in the 7s and I made it! So excited!

After working Thursday and Friday, Jon and I came down to Florida. Unfortunately, I woke up on Friday morning feeling sick. I was so paranoid about having the flu because I have been surrounded my patients with the flu at work! But I realized that I seemed to have more cold symptoms than anything else. I got off work 4 hours early on Friday and I was so grateful to come home and nap before driving 6 hours to Florida!

Saturday morning we woke up in Jacksonville! I was still feeling really under the weather (slightly nauseous) and had barely slept all night, so we ate a nice Panera breakfast because I crave carbs when I’m sick and then got our gift cards from Target. I got my nails done in a nice red for the holidays!

We spent the afternoon at Jon’s parent’s house. I was surprised that we got so many gifts as a couple. We ate tons and tons of food and then went in the evening to see Handel’s Messiah. Jon’s brother in law is in the chorus. It got a little lengthy for me, but I was impressed with how awesome they sounded.


His brother in law is in the back row, 5th from the left.

Sunday morning Jon and I went for a walk on the beach! I was hoping to run, but my throat was killing me when I woke up and I had no energy at all! So we went for about a 45 minute walk total and enjoyed some 80 degree weather for a change!

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After that, we came back to his sister, Rebecca’s, house and took a two hour nap! Like I said, no energy at all. I was still tired when we woke up but knew we had to shower and head out. As soon as we got in the car to go back to his parent’s house, I fell asleep again.

We hung out with his parents again last night. We enjoyed some leftover Christmas dinner, ping pong, and the card game Golf (which I won!). We stayed for awhile and then headed over to see his other “parents” that I also love seeing! We were only there for about 30 minutes before heading back to Rebecca’s to hang out and sleep.

And that’s where we are now! I just woke up this morning and we’re watching Zoe and Slade (niece and nephew) while Brad and Rebecca look at apartments. I’m hoping to go for a run today for once! I need to start drinking some water and eat some breakfast. I still don’t feel 100% but have no specific complaints this morning. Jon and I were taking Zicam like it was going out of style. But I’m pretty sure I can at least manage a three mile run. We need to get Christmas shopping done and then tonight, we’re going on a date with Brad and Rebecca.

Anyway, the little Zoe monster just found me awake, so I’m going to go hang out with them! Merry Christmas if I’m not back by then!

The struggles with depression

The other night I was laying in bed and couldn’t sleep. I was messing around on Facebook and pulled up my statuses from 2007 (since Facebook makes it, sadly, way too easy). I was such a mess. I think 2007 was one of my worst years for me. Well, 2005 to 2007 was all pretty bad, but 2007 was the worst.

I really seemed like a normal kid in high school. Aside from the fact that I probably smoked too much weed and started drinking at 16, I was just like all the other kids. I had a good group of friends that I hung out with and was dating a guy that was really good to me. During my senior year, I met a girl who won my heart over. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that she was a mess of issues. We started dating in the spring of my senior year. She was the girl who started me down a long road of depression (not her fault- just where it began).

I went to Georgia State and she went to North Georgia for our freshman year of college. I had no idea what I wanted to major in but figured I’d decide eventually. I was living with a friend from high school and made a few good friends over the semester. Courtney and I visited each other, but she was cheating on me and would go days without talking to me. I decided to transfer to North Georgia and do ROTC with her to “save our relationship.” I spent my whole first semester of college drinking heavily and very depressed. I drank close to every single night and was miserable. By the time I made it to North Georgia, the girlfriend was gone. She dropped out of college and I was alone.

The depression continued, but I met Andrew, my next boyfriend. Andrew and I had a lot of fun together, but I was really dependent upon him for my happiness. I remember when he lived out of town for one summer, I would cry every weekend when he went home. I mean, really? I still saw him close to every weekend. I was so dramatic. He also lied about little things all the time, which always made me feel like he didn’t really care. I only made it through ROTC for one semester and then dropped out. I moved back home and began working as a dental assistant on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday while doing my prereqs on the other days and hoping to go to dental hygiene school. I continued smoking far too much weed and spending all my time with Andrew.

One day, I talked to my roommate from ROTC (Shelby) and she said she joined the Army. This sounded like a good idea, so I joined the Army too. Andrew ended up joining the Marines shortly after I signed my paperwork, and he left in December while I waited until February to leave because of my job. I still remember one of my office moms telling me how much happier I seemed without Andrew around. She said it was like a weight was lifted off of me. Even in that “happy” time, I was still always in a constant state of sadness. Since I had moved away from college, I hadn’t kept in contact with any college friends. I only really hung out with Gina and Laura on weekends and spent me weeks working and in school.

After I came home from basic and AIT (I joined the Reserves), I moved into a dorm hoping to make friends on campus. Unfortunately, I wasn’t a freshman anymore, so everybody had friends. Andrew and I were still together, but his training was much longer than mine so he was still in San Antonio (where I trained in the summer, so we actually spent our summer on the same base, training for completely different things). Things became rocky with us. I still didn’t have any friends other than my high school friends, who were both in school downtown.

Then Andrew and I broke up. This was over Thanksgiving of 2006. He immediately began dating somebody else. I was due to move into an apartment off campus, which I did over Christmas break. I was starting what would be the worst of my depression over Christmas of 2006. When I moved into my apartment, I met my neighbor while I was outside drinking one night. We became drinking buddies, drinking close to every night together (we could walk to the bars). I became obsessed with Andrew, who now had a new girlfriend. I believe I’ve said before that his girlfriend was the reason I got into fitness. She was a fitness competitor and I thought if Andrew liked girls like that, then I should be like that (the messed up thoughts of a depressed girl).

I still never worked out at that point. I found out in March of 2007 that I’d be deploying in 2008. I continued with my education. I had finally decided I wanted to do nursing, so I was on track for that. I continued drinking every night and also continued to be depressed, but I maintained my grades. I started training off and on for deployment in the fall of 2007. When fall semester ended, I moved back to my parent’s house and enjoyed a little time off before deployment.

I began dating one of Andrew’s friends casually, and I had a ton of fun with him. He’s a great guy and had always been there for me. Obviously, I was deploying, so it wouldn’t work out…

I left for Iraq in March of 2008, excited to be away from Andrew and my life at home. I was still feeling depressed about everything, but noticed an improvement in my mood the closer the deployment got. By the time I left, I was feeling fairly stable. I was welcoming my time away with wide open arms! I was excited to spend a year away from guys and to just be single. I got into the gym with another girl who worked night shift and we spent every morning together lifting weights.

Then I met Jon. Our love story is dispersed through this blog already. When I returned from Iraq, I was accepted into nursing school at North Georgia. I rented a house and had a few friends that I hung out with, but a lot of my time was spent between my house and visiting Jon in Florida. I got into CrossFit and my life was on the upswing.

Over the last 4 1/2 years, CrossFit was really one of the biggest factors in remaining emotionally stable. I still had days or weeks where I struggled with feeling down. But I had an amazing gym and when I would go, I had people to talk to and distract me. Nursing school kept me so busy in my other time that my lack of close friends near me didn’t bother me as much.

Life remained fairly normal for the nursing school era. I did really well in school. Jon moved in with me. I kept working out. I don’t think I had many downs.

When he and I broke up, I was beginning to work as a nurse. I started doing two a days at the gym and working out nonstop. I met Crista, who ended up becoming a good friend and was a distraction during that time, when I felt kind of neglected by my high school friends. I struggled emotionally, but was always happy at the gym and was happy dedicating myself to being healthy. I started eating Paleo and started spending time learning how to cook. Although I was struggling a bit still, I started to learn to enjoy my time by myself. Some weeks were better than others, but I was managing. And then Jon and I eventually ended up back together.

Things have remained fairly consistent since Jon and I have been back together. He tends to keep my mood stabilized. My time with him seems to be the only time in the past 10 years where my life hasn’t seemed overrun by being depressed. I don’t feel dependent upon him in any way, but in reality, know that without him, my life would probably return to emotional shambles. It is actually extremely difficult for me to talk about depression. Extremely. You will almost never hear me say that word in regards to myself. I also almost never talk about it. It seems embarrassing to talk about it, especially with a life where I have been very fortunate to have everything I’ve needed.

I hid my depression very well from most people. Aside from Andrew, I only let Laura and my friend Alex in on it. Most other people knew I had some issues, but I don’t think they knew how deep it went. I was suicidal for close to three years. I still smiled at work. I still went out and had fun (or what looked like fun). I maintained my house, my job, my grades, my money. Responsibility prevailed. But I was a disaster on the inside.

I have no reason to have such a history with depression. My parents have been happily married for 32 years. They always loved us and provided. I was raised in the typical middle class household with a close group of friends. But it was there and it was real. I am actually fearful of having kids because of postpartum depression. I worry that one day, I will take another turn for the worse and go back down that road. I worry less now, but knowing how horrible it was keeps it in my mind. My thinking can still take on a very negative thought process when things go bad, but it’s something I work on all the time.

It does seem weird that CrossFit isn’t a consistent part of my life when it was so important in getting myself to where I am now. I look forward to having it back in my life and focusing on my health again when the time is right. Unfortunately, the older I get, the more things there are loading up my plate and the less time I have. I’m spread thin.

I have no idea where this came from. I guess I just started thinking about how my life was a few years back and how much it has changed. I am extremely grateful for that life I have now.

Putting in wood floors

Putting in hardwood floors is really not what Jon and I expected. Neither of us are sure what we expected. Maybe to move some furniture, lay some wood, move the furniture back on the wood, and voila! Our house has shiny new floors! In reality, what it meant was tearing out carpet, moving everything out of the closets, moving all half the furniture into the kitchen and bathrooms, having carpet shreds everywhere, and then getting wood chips everywhere. Then, when the floor is in, you have wood chips all over your furniture, which now all needs felt pads on the bottoms, and you still have to wipe down the floors with mineral spirits to get off glue residue. Jon started on Thursday. The boys worked all day on Saturday and Sunday, and then Jon and I worked all day Monday. The house is still in shambles! We do have wood in the entire house. We don’t have the quarter round done (the little strip by the baseboards), the furniture is still all over the house, there is trash all over the place, and there is wood dust everywhere. Since I let men move everything in the house, half of everything ended up laying on the floor. I did five loads of laundry yesterday. I have tomorrow off and then work Thursday and Friday and we go out of town on Saturday. When we get back, I work every day. Then I paint for three days. Then I work every single day.

Ahhhh! So, my goal is to get the house in some kind of working order before we both go back to school on the 13th. That seems easy, except I work every single weekday pretty much (I get home around 8 at night). I keep telling myself to go run or to go work out, but having my house in shambles makes me just want to spend time on my house! Except we have to be quieter at night once my old neighbor goes to bed.

I’m actually going to go work on the house a bit before heading to bed in a few. I worked 11-11 today (I thought I was only working till 7!) and got home around 11:30… Why do I do this to myself?!

ER nursing

I’m having motivational issues, as always. I have 3 hours till the gym closes and I should go, but I’m getting tired. I’m working six days in a row with all different shifts (4 hour, 8 hour, 12 hour), but despite some shorter shifts, it’s still six days at the hospital. And my shifts were approved for January up until when I go back to school and all of them were approved (this hasn’t happened in six months and is the only reason I put in for a shift every single day). So much for relaxing.

Yesterday morning was extremely slow, which I knew meant a busy afternoon. I ended up with a patient that I was actively titrating drips on for close to four hours. First the pressure was too high (think 260s/140s) and then it was too low (80s/50s). May I just say, if you have high blood pressure, get on meds and take them until you are healthy enough to go off of them. A man in his early 40s had a massive hemorrhagic stroke and will probably not make it because he didn’t take care of his blood pressure. It’s exhausting.

Then, a trauma came in last night. One of the hardest parts of my job is when a person makes an honest mistake in a car accident. Unfortunately, they may either kill somebody in their car or another car. And then they are arrested for vehicular manslaughter. They may kill their mother, their wife, their baby, their entire family… And they live with that for the rest of their lives. Then they go to jail for the accident and in some cases, their face makes the news. It’s sad. I can’t imagine causing an accident that would kill Jon and then going to jail and being on the news for it. How absolutely horrific. As if you weren’t already suffering enough… And then, today I received a man who was hit in a car accident and the man who hit him was a few rooms down. The family made a big deal of it and my patient kept asking me why that guy would possibly swerve to avoid rear ending somebody and hit him head on? All I could say was, “Well, you should feel lucky you’re alive, because we get a lot of traumas from car accidents who don’t make it out alive.”

If anybody ever hits you and you both are able to get out of your car to speak with that person, you better never be rude. Accidents happen. Every single person makes mistakes. Who cares if they hit your new car? At least you’re both alive.

Anyway, I’m just tired. Although I remain pretty detached emotionally from work and am used to seeing people dying (like yesterday), I’m not affected much by it. But having to return to work six days in a row is draining. Wondering if you’ll be able to eat and having to run to the bathroom because you don’t know what will happen in the next minute is exhausting. Working in a job that makes you grateful every day for life is tiring. I get so upset with Jon when he asks why I want to travel so much now and he tells me I have my whole life to do it. I don’t take my ability to walk for granted (if I die, at least I won’t know what I’m missing). In a split second, I could become a paraplegic. I could never walk again. Do you know how hard it would be to go to the Great Wall of China in a wheel chair? (It would be very hard, if you haven’t been.) I worry constantly if Jon doesn’t answer his phone when he’s on the road. I know what can happen to people and unlike those who think that it won’t happen to them, I know anything can happen to anybody at any time.

I don’t love nursing. I don’t think that I ever will. But I am thankful for the job I have so that I am able to be as appreciative of life as I am. I’m thankful to make a difference in people’s lives and although I honestly don’t ever feel like this, I do save people’s lives (as a team, of course). I just never say it because I feel like saying, “I save lives,” makes you sound heroic. I’m not a hero. I’m the same as everybody else. This is just my job.

House projects numero uno!

It has been a busy week! I’m so glad not to be having to study this week, but it’s been nonstop. I drove 130 miles on Wednesday! My bad mood finally let up once I got to Massage Envy for my 90 minute massage! I wish they had spent a little more time really working into my sore legs, but I was too relaxed to even care enough to mention in. And they must have done an okay job because my legs are now sore all over, so she clearly worked something out of there! I came home after my massage to this:

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Progress on the house! Thursday I worked from 7a-3p and then went to my friend’s house to watch her daughter. It was nice out so we went to the park and went on a walk. I ended up with a horrible headache, so I struggled a bit to help the little girl make it through her homework. Once she went to bed, I did a few deadlifts and kettle bell swings and some shoulder stuff in my friend’s garage gym. Then I relaxed and watched Parenthood. I passed out when I went to bed last night! My friend works till 11 (she works in the ER with me) so I stayed at her house last night. Something about the peace and quiet over there just put me right to sleep! It was awesome!

I only worked 4 hours this morning. When I got home, I saw all of this progress (Jon was off work yesterday so he could get the house ready for our floors!):

photo 2 photo 1

It’s a disaster in here! I’m not sure what Jon and I were expecting, but both of us are surprised and what a mess the house is. Stuff is everywhere! David (Jon’s little brother- he’s actually my age) is on his way here right now from Florida to help install our floors! I’m so glad! Also, both beds are in mine and Jon’s bedroom, so I guess him and David will be sharing a room tonight! So I’ll be heading to my mom and dad’s house for a night of sleep without being sandwiched between two men (even though that’s every girl’s dream, right? Kidding!). I can’t wait to get home on Sunday and see the progress that they’ll have made! I’m hoping the floors look awesome! I already feel like the house seems lighter without having the dark carpet in here and my kitchen window blinds aren’t even open (the windows are blocked by furniture). I can’t wait to get the house painted and brighten it up even more!

Anyway, I need to go buy some food for the boys and make my lunches for work. I also need to clean up the kitchen since it’s a disaster too and probably throw in some laundry (I don’t even know where to fold it!).

Oh, and for a quick before picture:

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That picture wasn’t supposed to be of the house. It’s of Tom and Jon watching football together. But I don’t know if I even have any good pictures of the house at all before! Oops. And by the way, I didn’t seriously decorate my mantle like that. I threw those up there when I moved in thinking that I’d hang pictures later, but then I had no motivation to do so with these green couches and the ugly carpet (it was just so dark and boring- worse in person than in the photo). So, after painting, I’ll finally be decorating the walls! Can’t wait to actually feel like this is our house that we put some hard work into!

Okay, time for a quick nap before tackling the rest of my day!