CrossFit and Sunbathing

Hey guys! I’ve posted two days in a row! It’s like old times around here!

Yesterday Jon came home from work around noon. Mondays are usually his short days and a lot of days, he doesn’t even go in for any cases. He just stays home. I had just put Jackson down when he got home so I headed to the pool for about 45 minutes. It’s not open yet, but it was nice to lay out there and get some sun! I really want it to hurry up and open though because hanging out in the water is so relaxing. I know I mentioned it yesterday, but I have really missed being able to be outdoors as much this year. I love spring and fall!

I came home and ate and fed Jackson before heading out to the 4:30 CrossFit class. I was so glad to be able to make it to that one since I feel like 4:30 is a less crowded time, but it was actually pretty busy! It was the same coach as last week (I don’t know his name) and he asked what I did for deadlifts last week since we were doing them again. I said 155 and he asked if I was going to go for 160. I said maybe and explained to him that I’m really just working out now to stay active and healthy. I’m not here to break records and honestly, at this point, I’m not even really there to challenge myself a ton. I’m trying to ease back into it after being pregnant and having a c-section, and besides, after two injuries that took me out of the gym for a long time (and out of work for 3 months), I just don’t have the same mindset anymore. I also don’t want to get too crazy because I want to keep up my milk supply and I don’t know that I’d eat enough calories to support extremely high intensity activity and milk making (I didn’t tell him that part)! When I said I had been hurt twice, he said, “Oh, you let your ego get the best of you, huh?” Who says that? I definitely don’t feel like I come across in that egotistical way at all at the gym. I was like, “No, actually, I was lifting super light when I hurt myself,” which is true. My thumb was an overuse injury and my hip popped coming out of a light squat.

Anyway, the workout was double unders (I did single unders), pull ups, and cleans after working up to heavy deadlifts. I did 95# deadlifts easily and added 30#, and when I went to do that, my back pain was so bad! It felt like it was in the same location as the back pain I had while I was pregnant, but I felt like there was no way that pain could have come back! I’ve been pain free since delivering! The coach asked how the weight felt and I said my back was hurting so I was going to take some weight off and he told me to go foam roll, so I did since that always helped when I was pregnant. I have the same pain as when I was pregnant! Ugh! I was so disappointed! The foam rolling was literally the same- same location, same feel to it when rolling out, everything. I was pretty bummed to realize my back pain stuck around. That’s the whole reason I had to quit working out in the first place before I was due (since I had wanted to make it to my due date working out). So, I’m not really sure what to do from here. I may just use lighter weights for everything and roll it out and see if it starts to get better, otherwise I’m thinking I may have to look into physical therapy. I know other moms said they had to see PT after delivering to overcome some of the aches and pains they acquired during pregnancy, but I just really don’t want to have to do that. Maybe I should check and see if insurance covers that, since I did already meet my out-of-pocket max for the year.

When I got home from the gym, Jon ran out to work out with Andrew so I was left with Jackson. Jon let him sleep an hour longer than usual so his schedule was off last night, leading me to spend forever trying to get him to go to bed and then he woke up hungry 45 minutes later! Once Jon got home, I spent my night eating and pumping. I have been so hungry lately from breastfeeding and the increase in activity yesterday put me over the top! I need to find healthy things to eat and keep them prepared cause I opened the fridge/freezer/pantry 45 times last night trying to find something to eat. Feeling full is a thing of the past! I haven’t even come close to that feeling since I started producing milk.

This morning I happened to realize the sun hits my front porch perfectly during Jackson’s morning nap, so I took my yoga mat and got about 25 minutes of sun before Jackson woke up! It was nice and cool out and felt good to see the sun again! I’m liking getting outside for the little bit during the day!

I’m planning on going to CrossFit this afternoon again. It looks like a pretty insane WOD with 2 miles of running total (a bunch of 400m runs). I’m not excited about that part at all, but I’m just going to take it easy and if I have to walk, well then, I’ll walk.

I’ll leave you all with this picture because it is my absolute favorite picture so far! I wish it was on my camera so that it was high resolution, but this is just an iPhone picture so I’ll never be able to print it out in a good quality, sadly! Isn’t that the cutest face ever?! I love his smiles!

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Weekend Updates

Happy Monday! It was a beautiful weekend here, thankfully, since it’s supposed to start raining for the next week or so! Friday night Jon and I took it easy. I really wanted to go out and do something, but Jon wasn’t feeling well so we decided just to stay at home. It would have been too late to make plans to go downtown and I figured I’d be nice and take care of Jackson since Jon wasn’t feeling well (since evenings are usually Dad-time when he gets home from work).

I went back to work for the first time on Saturday! While it was really nice to feel like myself again, it was also a nice reminder that I actually don’t love my job and don’t really want to get back that bad! Unfortunately, if I want to put Jackson in daycare, then I have to keep working to pay for it! So, to work I’ll go! The ER is under major construction so it was completely different! Half our bathrooms are gone and there is only one way into the back for patients, compared to all the access we had before. It was so strange. I had an easy morning, thankfully! However, I think I may have thrush on my nipples or maybe they’re just super irritated from always pumping and I seriously broke out in an insane hormonal sweat. Like, my cleavage was a slip n’ slide. After that, my bra was wet and my nipples drove me INSANE! (I’m only including this story because I want future moms to be prepared for what’s coming their way.) They were so itchy and uncomfortable. I had thought about picking up more hours at work but honestly, my nipples were so uncomfortable that I couldn’t do it.

I got home around noon and it was beautiful out, so Jon and I decided to head out and enjoy the day!

We took Jackson to get some coffee at Land of a Thousand Hills, as usual. There was some art show there and it was super obnoxious because the people set up their artwork on the stairs for the patio so it was nearly impossible to get back on the patio and go back into the coffee shop from the grassy area. It would have been nice had they been a little more considerate of all the rest of the guests there. Jackson started fussing there so we decided to go look at cats at the humane society!

Atlanta has two really nice humane societies and I really love the one we went to. I got my three legged cat there (that was before the blog- he had been a stray and he didn’t last long because he was the worst cat EVER! I never thought I could get rid of a pet once I got it but holy moly, that thing was the devil) and they give you a $400 vet voucher and the cat didn’t even have fleas! We didn’t really see anything we were interested in except some adult cats, but we can’t do an adult cat with Kitty. I tried that with the three legged cat and I’ll only get a kitten while Kitty’s still alive. I really want to wait to find a blind cat which are all over Instagram, but all the cat rescuers and cat foster moms that I’ve found live too far away!

We were going to head home after that, but I’m so tired of being at home all the time so I really didn’t want to go back home! I found a Scoutmob for this pizza place so we went there and got some personal pizzas that were good! We ended up getting them to go because Jon bought me really good root beer that I wanted at home! We rented a Netflix movie and sat home and had a movie night together!

Jon fed Jackson around 11pm cause Jackson woke up crying and then he slept until 6am! It was AWESOME! I woke up at 5 cause he started fussing a little then, so I got up to pump since I hadn’t pumped since 9pm. It takes me an hour, and by the time I finished, Jackson was just waking up. After feeding him, I went back to sleep till 9am (Jon got up with Jackson at 8). So much sleep! I’m so glad we’re making progress cause I missed my sleep so much!

Jon went over to Andrew’s house, so I pumped and ate breakfast since Jackson had just gone down for a nap, and then I fed him and pumped again before Jon got home. We went up to my parent’s house around one yesterday.

I laid out on the deck at their house and it was so nice! I have been super pale since delivery and I don’t need to be super tan or even tan at all, but I don’t want to be translucent! I had two people at work ask me if I felt okay cause I looked so pale! It was nice to just relax outside too. It’s hard to take Jackson out in the middle of the day when it’s warm because his stroller is so hot (he’s still in the car seat) and wearing him is also super hot. I also can’t put sunscreen on him and don’t want him in long sleeves to block the sun in the heat. So we spend our days inside mostly! I miss getting out in the nice weather and going on my Stone Mountain hikes or taking walks or hanging out by the pool for a little while!

We had dinner there and then headed home after since it was almost Jackson’s bed time! We just hung out at home and I boiled pump parts and cleaned up a bit and that was it…

And now’s it’s Monday! I’m hoping to make it to the 4:30 CrossFit class tonight. There are a lot of pull ups and I have no idea what to do for pull ups now. I don’t know that I can kip 15 pull ups anymore. I haven’t used a band for pull ups in FOREVER though (I did them jumping off a box when I was pregnant after I stopped kipping because of my diastasis recti) so having to use a band seems so strange to me! But we’ll see. I also want to go lay out for a bit, but it’ll have to be in the parking lot in front of my house which is a little weird. But just for like, 20-30 minutes. I need some more vitamin D. Staying in the house so much (or running errands and going right back inside) is not working for me! I had planned on cleaning bathrooms and the floors today, but I may just take a nap instead. I’m tired today for some reason!

Actually, I think I’ll take a nap now. I have 30 minutes till Jackson wakes up!

CrossFit Dojo and Life Updates

Welp, I made it to the gym again. I went to CrossFit Dojo since I bought the Groupon for it. Oddly enough, back in 2007, my ex-boyfriend Andrew started dating this girl who messaged me about how I couldn’t call him anymore cause she didn’t trust him around me (it was a lot of 20 year old drama) and blah blah blah. Come to find out, he was just lying to both of us and we’ve been friends on Facebook ever since. She actually is going to this gym too on the Groupon and I ended up having to go the Fundamentals class since Jon got home so late from work and that was all that was left. So after being friends with her on Facebook since 2007, we finally met. She was super nice. I’m glad we’ve both grown up in the last 10 years!

But, I wasn’t impressed with that CrossFit gym. At all. They did the CrossFit total, which is a total of your max deadlift, back squat, and press. Our warm up was a 100m run (maybe it was 200m, I don’t know), 10 squats, 10 push ups, and 10 sit ups. That’s it. THAT’S IT! Our entire warm up for a max lift day! I judge CrossFit gyms harshly on two things- the warm up and the form. This one failed big time. I hurt my hip because I dropped into a gym with a shitty warm up after being in the car for an entire day and I honestly thing that would have been avoided with an adequate warm up. I was squatting light weight when I hurt myself. So, they failed on the warm up.

They failed even bigger on the form. If I was grading them, I’d give them like, a 20%. I think it’s scary when gyms push heavy weight on people who are new to lifting. The coach harped on how in a deadlift, if he says “DROP IT” it’s because your form is bad and you could really get hurt. He talked about how if you have to dump weight out of a squat, you should dump it a certain way not to get hurt. But then, the form. The form on these people was unreal it was so bad on the squats. Knees were caving in left and right. Heels were off the ground. These people were seriously struggling to stand up with the weight. And the coaches were watching them and telling them to add more weight. WHAT?! I don’t get it. These people are new to lifting or haven’t in a long time! Doing a max day is pretty stupid in my opinion anyway, but if you do, take it easy. There is no reason to push your hardest when you just started CrossFit 3 weeks ago. How about focusing on as heavy as you can lift with GOOD FORM?! I get that sometimes, people need to be pushed a little to go up in weight, but not after 3 weeks of a Fundamentals class! If I didn’t buy a Groupon, I’d probably never go back based off that one day because two of the coaches were there for that. (Actually, I think 3, but one was just kind of there and not actively coaching the class, but he did give input.) But maybe they’ll redeem themselves. However, I doubt I’ll stick with them because their prices are outrageous and CrossFit Chamblee (the CrossFit gym that I like) is cheaper and I like the gym better.

And not that I even care, but my back squat was 105 and my hip hurt pretty bad at just that weight. I feel like my hip regressed during pregnancy. It felt so tight. Hopefully with a better warm up and exercising more, it’ll loosen back up. My press was 65, and my deadlift was 155. I didn’t actually max on any of them because I don’t care to max on Day 1 at the gym after 3 months off.

(Side note: Jon literally just fell asleep on the couch next to me in like, 30 seconds flat. Impressive.)

I had planned on going back to CrossFit last night (since Jon made it home too late for me to go to book club- I was hoping he’d be home in time for me to at least make it to the gym), but Jon got home late and I wouldn’t have made it to the gym. And today, the workout looks killer and I had DOMS apparently, cause I’m so sore today!

In other news, Jackson and I ventured out on our own to the store! We went to Costco one day and Jackson looked around nonstop and then fell asleep (I wore him in the Ktan again). We went to Target today and he just slept the whole time. We were going to go to Target yesterday, but somebody (not me) was being a little grump yesterday. It actually wasn’t bad going to the store with him. Jackson is so good, but I keep waiting for a meltdown while we’re out. He actually hasn’t had a meltdown since he was born, so the odds of it happening at the store seem pretty slim, but still. It is way harder to go to the store with a baby cause I don’t want to be running around looking for everything and if I get to the checkout and forgot something, well, too bad.

Gina stopped by yesterday for a bit. I had Kassie’s bridesmaid dress for Gina’s wedding and Gina wanted to compare swatches to it. She stayed for a bit and hung out with Jackson. It was good to have some company but Jackson was just such a handful. He was good while Gina was here, but he spit up all day long, cried EVERY time I burped him, and did not want to nap at all yesterday. And when he did fall asleep, he woke up 45 minutes later. So, we had a long day. By the time Jon got home around 6:15, I was so done and so tired. And it was rainy, so it just made it worse.

I am definitely taking more enjoyment in Jackson though. Still not enough to feel like having kids was the best decision for us (because really, going to Iceland and moving to Amsterdam for 3 months still sounds way better than having a baby), but I actually like when he wakes up and I get to hang out with him for an hour before he goes back down for a nap. Getting out of the house is still a pain in the ass and I still feel constricted by him cause I have to plan around when he eats and wakes up, but guys, he smiles now! Like, he gets so happy when you scratch his little face and he makes this baby laughs but he’s not old enough to really laugh yet. So it’s just the cutest freaking noise ever. I would totally upload the video of him smiling and laughing to Facebook (since I’m friends with some of you on FB), but you know I’m weird about having my baby out there. But omggggg, it just makes me melt. I have three videos of him doing it and I can just watch it on repeat.

Well, I’m off to go eat. I’ve been slacking on eating today since I had to juggle a baby and running errands. I kind of want to do something tonight with Jon, but we usually say that and then we don’t cause Jackson wakes up in the evening during rush hour and goes to bed by 7:45. I’m going back to work tomorrow too, so I need to make sure I have food prepared since I doubt I’ll want to take the time to prepare food so early in the morning. I already have to wake up early to pump at home and then pump again when I get to work. That’s definitely the downside of exclusively pumping. I take an hour in the mornings to empty completely (I usually get 12-16oz) and then if I’m busy at work in the morning, I can’t risk not pumping till 11, so I need to get one in before my shift starts… So I have to get there a little bit early and pump again (should be quicker though since it’ll only be 2 hours since my last pump) before work… I’m only doing a 4 hour day unless it’s going well and then I’ll stay for 8. I’m sort of torn about working longer shifts right now because I don’t want to work more than 4 hours at a time right now, but we’re about to take a few thousand out of savings this month to pay bills (since we had to pay the IRS over $3k and we just paid our car insurance and we had also just paid for my delivery). But I mean, this is what we have money in savings for. So maybe I should just enjoy my princess shifts until Jackson goes to daycare and then I can get back to working more. I did already decide that I’m not working 12 hour shifts (except on weekends) until Jackson sleeps through the night.

Okay, that was a tangent. I’m off to fill this belly.

Wedding Fun and CrossFit Nerves

I have no idea how my sweet little baby is still asleep right now, but I am going to start this blog post and most likely get interrupted within the next 5 minutes.

This past weekend was Jackson’s first sleepover with Grandma and Grandpa since Jon and I had a wedding to attend! I have to admit that I was probably a little too excited about it. The thought of uninterrupted sleep was pretty amazing (minus having to pump).

We got up early on Saturday morning because we wake up early every day because we have a baby now so sleeping in is a thing of the past, sadly. It took awhile to prepare Jackson for his sleepover and I had to shower and fix my hair since I knew I wouldn’t have time in the afternoon. We headed up to my mom and dad’s to drop Jackson off.

I missed him for like, 5 minutes and then I was over it and ready for some husband/wife time! (Not that kind of husband/wife time.) We tried to get my nails did at my favorite nail place, but they were all booked up, so I just decided to go to the wedding with some gnarly toenails. I’m a mom now. People can’t expect me to look put together anymore. But then we decided to eat Smashburger and I had a delicious shake.

We came home and I was so freaking tired but I had to pump so I couldn’t even nap. Then we changed and I was super grateful to have bought a dress awhile back that managed to fit these big ol’ titties. We headed out to the wedding after that!

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That’s what two crazy parents look like on their first big night out! The wedding was really nice and simple and then we were off to Chris and Rachel’s house (the bride and groom) since the reception was in their yard!

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They really did a fantastic job with the yard! It was a really casual wedding! Like, no announcer (I seriously cannot remember any words anymore. I have to ask Jon like, 2,099 times a day, “What’s that word for that one thing? I think it starts with an M.”) or anything, so really simple. It was fun though cause Kassie was in the wedding, Gina was there, and a few other acquaintances that I know through Kassie.

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How handsome is he?! I love it when Jon gets dressed up!

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13055419_10100413535853142_3209460554455025736_nGina, me, Kassie.

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I really like this picture of us, except I’m wearing Jon’s jacket and look ridiculous!

We ended up hanging out for awhile and chatting with everybody, and then I think around 9:30 we finally left. I was so tired and I needed to pump and didn’t feel like trying to do it in my dress in the car again (and get milk all over my dress! dangit).

Once we got home, I couldn’t fall asleep! So my great night of sleep was two four hour increments of sleep because of pumping! Fail!

I won’t even lie- it was hard to go pick up Jackson. I was happy to see him, but it was so nice on Sunday morning laying in bed with Jon and getting ready without one of us having to tend to a baby. It was like a little flashback to my old life and I miss my old life so much!

I spent Sunday afternoon at home. I was bummed cause it was a beautiful day, but Jon had a friend in town so they went to get dinner and then his friend stopped by for a bit. I was busy trying to get schoolwork done and clean up the house, so I just never got out.

Monday was another day spent at home doing work. I went on a walk at night cause it was so nice out! Jon and I also made tacos for dinner- my first night cooking since Jackson was born! I just make simple food all the time so I was pretty proud of myself for actually making food for once! And Jackson slept from 10:30pm (Jon fed him then) until 4:40am! So I got 6 whole hours of sleep! Uninterrupted! Even when Jon does the night feeds, I still get out of bed to ask him to do them and I hear Jackson fussing, so that was my first solid 6 hours of sleep! Thankfully too, cause Jon got up right after I pumped and I never went back to sleep!

Today Jackson and I made out first trip out solo! Just to Costco because I figured if he cried there, it wouldn’t be as obvious. But it went so well! He didn’t fuss when I put him in the car seat (that never happens) and I wore him in Costco so he just looked around. He was half asleep by the time we left and didn’t fuss again when I put him in his seat! He’s such a good baby! I wanted to go to Target, but I figured my frozen stuff needed to get home and I wanted Jackson to nap at home for a bit too, otherwise he gets all grumpy.

I think I’m about to try and head to the CrossFit gym to do my barbell “test” after I pump again. I’m nervous to go and do it still! I feel so intimidated since I feel so out of shape! I don’t even know if I can squat! I don’t even know if I can run because my boobs hurt SO much these days! What if I can’t even do that?! And I haven’t even tried to lift since the c-section, so what if it hurts and I look like an idiot? But I’m going to try and just suck it up and go, cause I’ll never feel less nervous unless I get out there and just do it! I really hope that if I just tell the girl that I just had a baby 7 weeks ago (by c-section), she’ll understand. It’s not like I was breaking any records while I was pregnant either. It’ll be  a slow comeback. AND my right knee is killing me from sitting cross legged so much to rest my pump bottles on my legs! I stopped sitting like that but it’s still super painful. I’m worried about squatting with it hurting. UGH! But, I went to Target to get sports bras the other day since these girls are out of control and I took a quick postpartum picture. I know I’m still thin, but I mean… that isn’t my body. At all. My boobs are huge (although they don’t look nearly as big in the photo as in person) and I guess my stomach was way flatter than I realized before!

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And here is a photo I had uploaded before. The photo on the left was 9 weeks pregnant, so I was still not showing at that time. I have no idea anymore how far along I was in the other photos. Not far, since I still had no belly.

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Cabin Fever

I think I have cabin fever. I have been in the house for 2 1/2 days straight now! Jon should be home early-ish from work today unless a case comes up, so I’m hoping to venture out to run errands this afternoon at least! Jon’s parents stopped by on Wednesday morning again for about 30 minutes, but that’s it. Oh, and I took a walk yesterday and listened to Jackson groan with every single exhale for 90% of the walk. But other than that, I’ve remained in my pajamas the whole time (I actually did for the walk, too).

My, how times have changed! Jon had a regional meeting yesterday for work with a mandatory fun event last night (that was a comedy show at a local venue- I actually think that’s pretty awesome and he said it was a lot of fun), so he didn’t get home till almost 11pm. It was my first day with Jackson ALL day long, especially since he left at 6:30 in the morning. Surprisingly, I didn’t go too crazy, even though it wasn’t Jackson’s easiest day that we’ve had. Laura came over for about two hours in the evening and man, it just really is shocking how much things have changed! Instead of going out and grabbing dinner, I was feeding and bathing Jackson, putting him to bed, and preparing his night bottles. It’s just a little reminder of how monotonous life is right now and how my days just go in these cycles that revolve around this little 10lb fella.

My brother sent me a few of Jackson’s newborn photos! They’re definitely more of his style of photography and less of that typical soft newborn style, but I love them! Of course. Cause Jackson is adorable! And he smiles nonstop when I put him down for naps now and it is way too cute!

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Ohmygosh, his back fuzz. It’s crazy how when you’re the mom, you think things like his back fuzz is just the cutest thing ever. It’s also crazy how dark this makes his hair look cause he is totally blonde!

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I do sort of wish Jon had a head there, haha. But Jackson looks precious and so tiny in Jon’s big hands!

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Anyway, I got the clearance to go back to working out! I haven’t yet… It’s not even that I’m not ready to work out, but it’s more that it seems so hard to juggle another thing with a baby. I feel like so much time is spent planning around him and when he eats and naps that it seems so hard to just get out! But I think I just need to go reactivate my LA Fitness membership and go when Jon gets home from work in the evenings, even if I hate going when it’s busy. Even if I just do the elliptical or run if the weights are too crazy, at least it’s something. I want to get the Groupon for the CrossFit gym too, but the owner said I need to come in for a barbell test before I can buy it and use it for the regular classes. I guess they typically expect people who buy it to use it for the beginner’s class. So, I should probably email them about that too. I’m just used to working out with the afternoon crowds which are usually smaller, and for some reason, I feel a little intimidated to go into a brand new CrossFit gym with the big evening crew postpartum. Not only have I not worked out at all now in over 2 months and even those were easier workouts since I was pregnant, but I also have to come back slowly from the c-section. At least when I went to new gyms while I was pregnant, if I was slacking, it was obvious why. I don’t even think anybody else would care or notice, but it’s just hard to have to scale everything after I used to be so in shape so competitive way back in the day.

I suppose I should go work on my powerpoint presentation! I have two powerpoints to do and two discussion postings before next Sunday and then I’m out of school for the semester! Woohoo! One year of grad school down! I’m glad that the group paper is over with. That was so frustrating and I won’t even get into how frustrating the rest of the week was with it (asking ME to write your part twice when I’ve said no, especially after you told me that my edits to your part took away from your “writing style”)! And I need to shower cause I haven’t showered since Wednesday morning and I’m feeling the need to make myself presentable!

Tomorrow night is the big wedding night/Jackson’s first sleepover at Grandma’s! Gone are the days of just showering and getting ready for a wedding! Now we have to pack bottles and sleepover stuff and diapers and drop Jackson off at my mom and dad’s house (25 minutes north of here)! But we get one whole night without any feedings! And I am SO excited about it! Although I’m sure I’ll be happy to see Jackson on Sunday! I miss him when I leave for a few hours!

Okay, time to go be productive for real. Jackson will be up soon and I don’t want to miss this window to shower!

Weekend Updates

Happy Monday night! I forgot to update on this last week and even though it’s not really that exciting, I’ll include it because as a new parent, it’s the little things like this that are exciting! Jon and I started pulling up houses again for some reason last week and there was one that looked cute just down the road from us! We hopped in the Jeep to go look at it since Jackson happened to have just finished eating so it was perfect timing! Jackson was being good and for some reason, I had been craving sandwiches all day long! I remembered reading about this sandwich place on Yelp awhile back, so I pulled it up and we went!

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It was this little Italian place and it was so good! The meats were delicious there! I happen to freaking love salami and my sandwich was awesome! Everything is always so planned these days with Jackson, so it was nice to just kind of get up and go without much planning. We didn’t even take a diaper bag with us since we had only left the house to go drive a few minutes away!

We had a busy weekend around here and I’m feeling a little more refreshed (but exhausted) after having some time out of the house! On Friday, I went up to my mom and dad’s house and dropped Jackson off so I could go to Target and drop my card off at the vet! Dr. Lobeck (the one who talked to Jon) came out and reassured me again that we made the right decision and even said that he was personally glad that we didn’t drag out a bad situation. I felt even better after hearing that, because as a nurse, I’m always aware of when patient’s family members are dragging out bad situations and I would never want to put somebody (or my cat) that I love through that! Although, I still miss Tommy a ton and I still wish he could be here with us! I came home fairly early on Friday night and relaxed with Jon since that’s really all we do after 7pm these days! #thatmomlife

Saturday morning I slept until 10:30! 10:30!!!! Jon got up and did the morning feeds with Jackson and I seriously had no idea it was 10:30 when I got up! I had a message from Crista when I got up about meeting up with her and Billy at the Dogwood Festival, so Jon and I decided we would do that. We totally thought we could make it down there by 12:30, but life with a baby is much harder than without a baby. Being somewhere in 2 hours without notice is pretty much not going to happen anymore.

But we made it to the Dogwood Festival and had a really good time! We went last year and it was so hot last year! This year was way cooler! It got warm in the sun, but I kept having to put my jacket on whenever we would walk in the shade! Thankfully, Jackson was pretty good the whole time we were there and only fussed around the time that he was supposed to eat.

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This is the first picture I have of the three of us! I can’t believe it! I need to get a better one where you can see his face and I’m not wearing him!

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Piedmont Park, Atlanta.

Once we finished up at the Dogwood Festival, I was really craving a burrito for some reason so we went to Chipotle and grabbed dinner. After that, Jon and Billy went to watch golf at Crista and Billy’s and Crista and I went to Ponce City Market for some ice cream. It was about 7pm after that and I was beat and so ready to get in bed! Once we got home though, I somehow managed not to get in bed till 10pm and that is just way too late for me (but that keeps happening!).

Sunday morning we woke up and Jon’s parents came over right after we got up. They only stayed for about 30 minutes since they had to get going to Nashville for a conference, but it was good to see them and I’m glad that they got to hang out with Jackson for awhile! Once they left, I decided to be productive and head out to Whole Foods.

Once I got home, I prepared some breakfast stuff (ham, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, and shredded cheese for my morning eggs) for the first time in forever! I’ve been making egg and bagel sandwiches every single day lately so I thought I’d switch it up!

As soon as I finished up preparing my breakfast stuff, Jackson got up so we headed up to my mom and dad’s house again just to get out for a bit. We got there around 4:30 so we decided to just stay for dinner. We ate some burgers and then headed back since I had a grad school meeting at 8:30.

Unfortunately, that meeting lasted an hour (turns out, our paper is due on the 13th and I thought it was due on the 17th!). A group of three of us have to put together a business proposal and now we have to merge all of our parts and edit them. This one girl has been a big “follower” in the group and has been somewhat difficult to work with. Today, she texted us, “Good morning. With only a limited amount of time left to complete this assignment, I would like to forgo my portion of passing around the paper for correction. Please send me your suggestions for my section and I will correct them myself and resend them to add to the completed paper.” Um. What?! Let’s not try to play off your laziness as being helpful somehow! I basically told her that we all need to edit the paper because it’s a group project! She completely disregarded that after I said I had been editing for 2 hours so far and told me she would fix her part as soon as I send her the corrections. Why should the other group member and I have to spend all the time editing and you think you don’t have to? We have three full days. I got through editing her section and mine today, and the other group member was going to do it tonight. That gives her TWO full days to read through and make edits. Through a million texts today, she still never mentioned when she would read it and make her edits to our portions. Jon said I should email the professor about her (he listens to our conference calls since I usually do them in the dining room when he’s room) since she has been kind of difficult the whole time, but I’m not going to. But really. Come on. Do your dang part and read through the paper! I didn’t want to read through 15 pages either but I’m doing it! And she said she is busy tomorrow cause her daughter has cheerleading. Um, take your laptop. I sat there for an hour in the middle of the night while I was pumping, so I’m sure you can open up a word document while you’re at cheerleading.

Anyway, this afternoon I went and met up with Lizzie, a girl who I went to nursing school with and used to come out clubbing back in the day. It was so good to see her and she bought Jackson so much stuff! It was so sweet of her, but I always feel bad when people buy gifts for him! But either way, I still hadn’t seen her in way too long and was glad to catch up with her! She just started working in my ER and moved out there (she was living about an hour away) so I’m sure I’ll be seeing more of her!

I need to get ready for bed and get to sleep! I was going to try to be in bed by 9 but forgot that I need to pump again! Dangit!

Sleeping In & New Friends

Hello 🙂 I feel nice and refreshed since I just got up for the day at 11. I had asked Jon to do the morning feed at 6:40 since he has to be up at 7 for work, and he said he was too tired. I was so irritated so I went back to bed with Jackson and fed him, and then Jon came in and offered to do it. No dude, thanks, I got it. He apologized later for it while I was pumping but it’s still so annoying. I never sleep uninterrupted! If I slept for an entire 6 hours straight, I would be ready to run a marathon or something crazy. Even when I have slept for 6 hours, I wake up listening to Jackson and have Jon go feed him, and even that is rare since I have to pump. Ugh. I get so irritated about things like that and really, Jon is fantastic and super helpful. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in this whole parenting thing. I know I come across as being angry with him when I’m really just angry at this whole new lifestyle. I want him to go hang out with friends and to go work out and to do anything else he wants or needs to do! But then I get frustrated because I’m stuck at home with a baby all the time and I don’t ever get time away! I always have to worry about pumping, even if I do get out of the house! Or my boobs hurt nonstop while I’m gone! I can’t ever just “get away” from being a mom.

Anyway, yesterday I had coffee with my Facebook friend, Carley. She’s the one that I met online in a mom type group. We had planned on going on a walk and it was a perfect day for it, but as soon as we were about to leave, I realized Jon had the stroller. Of course. So Carley and I met at Starbuck’s instead. It was great! I haven’t made many new friends since I got out of high school other than Crista (I did make a handful of friends in college, but nobody that I have really stayed in touch with), so this is like, my first real adult friend. Not that I ever really minded not having tons of friends. I kind of like my few friends that I’ve had for 16 years now. But it was really nice to talk to another mom! Her baby is only a week older than Jackson so we were discussing parenting and life and it was just really nice. We got along great and it wasn’t awkward at all! I feel like I had known her for awhile!

I’m about to shower (I hope- Jackson is stirring so the shower may just wait till tonight or tomorrow) and then head out with Jackson. I really want to run to CVS and print off a few pictures of Tom to put in a thank you card for the vet. I also need to run to Target for a few things, but I think I’ll drop Jackson off at my mom and dad’s house before I head down to Target. No need to take the baby if I have somebody to watch him!

Jon’s parents will be here tomorrow for a few hours. They’re driving through on their way to Nashville so I think we’re having dinner with them either here or at Stone Mountain. I’m glad they’ll get to spend some time with Jackson alone, since both times they’ve seen him, tons of people have been around.

On Monday night, the children’s hospital is having a recruitment event that I think I might go to. I really don’t want to work full time, but I still think I would love to work on an inpatient unit there. I also don’t know if I feel like going to an event like that alone, but I think I might just branch out and do it. I can always leave if it’s awkward. I really liked the atmosphere when I had my interview last summer, but I think I’m just comfortable with my ER job right now and I know juggling two jobs with a new baby is too much. I still have to quit my second job now and keep putting it off! I just hate to leave a hospital where I have 6 years of experience, a ton of flexibility, and good pay!

Alrighty, I finally finished my coffee (and this blog post, 3 hours later), so time to hop in the shower and get Jackson ready to go see my mom and dad!

An Update That is Not (All) About Cats

Since my last two posts have been depressing, I thought I’d aim for one that’s a little more upbeat! However, I did want to include in here how awesome my husband is. Obviously we’ve been talking about Tom and I’ve been sharing my guilt with him about not taking Tom to the vet sooner. Today he had a case up north, so on his way home, he stopped by the vet. He had actually never been there before but saw the thank you note that I wrote to the staff so he knew which clinic it was. He asked to speak to one of the vets there about Tom. I really need to do a whole separate post on my vet in case people ever search it in google because seriously, I am blown away with them. Anyway, they took Jon back to a room and Dr. Lobeck came to talk to him. He saw Tom on his second visit when they decided to keep him there last week and also called me throughout the week to update me on his status, although one of the other vets did the final visit with me. Dr. Lobeck had come in to speak with me right before putting Tom down though, just to say sorry and talk about how Tom was a medical mystery and how he thought about Tom all weekend long. Jon said that Dr. Lobeck talked to him for about 30 minutes and Jon basically told him how guilty I was feeling about not bringing Tom in earlier and wondering if all of this could have been prevented. Dr. Lobeck assured him that he thought there was something really wrong with Tom and we would have been chasing a diagnosis that we may never get, and Tom still would be sick. He thought Tom may have some sort of tumor or that something wasnt functioning how it should be. He said that I did far more for Tom than most people do for their pets and it was obvious how much we loved him. Jon told him how I had been feeling upset with Jackson for taking away from Tom, and Dr. Lobeck told him that Tom is a pet and Jackson is our baby, and a baby is more important than a pet (he also told Jon that he would have never said that to me, haha. But he has a 16 month old baby so he knows how it is). I felt so much better when Jon told me that. I had really considered calling up there just to talk to one of the vets to be reassured that going in a few weeks earlier wouldn’t have mattered and I had been wishing I would have asked that while I was there to put Tom to sleep, but I didn’t want to bother them. I’m so grateful Jon went there to talk to them and I’m even more grateful that Dr. Lobeck talked to him so in depth about Tom. That’s a busy vet and all three of the vets there took such fantastic care of Tom and made me feel like Tom was the only animal there. So, I actually am feeling much better tonight about the whole situation and am feeling a lot more like I did the right thing. And I am reminded by this whole situation how much I love my husband and how lost I would be without him.

Anyway, moving on from Tom (although, we do love our Tommy!)… Jon and I went to the Braves Home Opener on Monday night. This game was a big deal because this is the last season at Turner Field before the stadium moves outside the perimeter next year to SunTrust Park. We paid pretty big money for those tickets for a Braves game and have been looking forward to taking Jackson to his first game for awhile. Unfortunately, Monday was also the day we put Tom down, so there was a gray cloud hanging over our outing anyway. Not to mention that I have been feeling so frustrated lately about always having to put somebody else first (I can’t eat when I want to, can’t shower when I want to, can barely keep the house clean, never get schoolwork done, have to plan around his naps…)… As soon as we got there, Jackson peed on his Braves outfit because we had thrown him in a disposable for easy clean up at the game. I don’t even know how it happened. And he didn’t take any naps on Monday so he was way overtired! He was fussy at the vet and continued fussing all day. I knew he was exhausted and of course, as soon as we sat down, all the loud noises just kept stimulating him and he couldn’t sleep. So I had to feed him during the first pitch and couldn’t even watch the game. Finally I decided to just go back into the club so I could put him back in the K-tan and walk him around so he could sleep, but even that took forever and Jon wouldn’t leave us and go watch the game. He kept saying we came here as a family for Jackson’s first game and he’d rather be inside with us than out watching the game, but I really just wanted him to enjoy the game! We finally went out to a quieter outdoor handicap area and Jackson finally fell asleep. Jon went to get food and I must have looked absolutely miserable (missing Tommy) cause a lady working there came and asked me twice if I was sure I was okay. And then when she left, I did everything I could not to cry! But as soon as Jon came back, I just burst into tears. So we left… I felt really bad but Jon was totally understanding and not upset at all about leaving the game, thankfully. But I was still bummed because we have been going to the opening game since we got back together and this was Jackson’s first one and the last opener at Turner Field!

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This past weekend, I went to dinner with Kassie and Laura. I was hoping for a full girls night, but Gina went to Canada and Rachel had her teeth pulled. I was still really glad Kassie and Laura were able to get together though! I really needed some girl time. We ended up trying this place super close to my house called Southbound. We ordered appetizers and I had my first drink in forever! We just hung out there and talked and shared food and had drinks. It was super low key and fun. Then we went to this outdoor ice cream stand and then ate ice cream in Kassie’s car. It sounds silly, but it reminded me so much of our high school days! Except we would have eaten at Taco Bell in high school and not a place like Southbound. But these days, we always set everything up in advance and always have a plan, so it was fun to just go with the flow and sit and chat in the car about husbands and boyfriends and babies and cats. I wish we had more nights like that. It was refreshing and definitely much needed!

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Me and Kassie.

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Laura and me. That creamed corn was SO good.

Not much else has been going on around here. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go on a walk with a girl who has a baby a week older than me from one of the Facebook mom groups I’m on. We were commenting on each other’s posts and she told me we had a friend in common. Turns out, she lives 3 miles from me. So I’m excited about that. We’ve had plans since last Monday but then the weather was bad and then Tom got sick and then she got sick. So, hopefully tomorrow works out! And I’m supposed to have dinner with Crista too, so I really hope that works out. I haven’t seen her in awhile and I could really use another evening out without Jackson! I’m on baby duty on Friday night since it’s Jon’s friend’s birthday, so I think I might just go hang out at my mom and dad’s. Usually by evening time, I’m so over taking care of a baby. I hand Jackson off to Jon as soon as possible when he gets home! Then his parents will be here Saturday evening to stop through on their way to some conference that his mom is going to. The rest of our weekend should be pretty boring, which I’m excited about!

I’m really excited because we have some fun things coming up. We have a wedding next weekend and my parents are going to keep Jackson overnight! I’m a little sad because I’ll miss him, but also super excited about a whole night with JUST Jon! No baby! No feedings! How fantastic! Shortly after that is mine and Jon’s weekend getaway for my 30th birthday. And then shortly after that is Gina’s bachelorette party weekend, followed by her wedding weekend. So I have lots of baby-free weekends coming up (Jon will be at all but the bachelorette party) and I am SUPER excited about it! And somewhere in there, Jackson should be getting a slot in daycare and I will finally feel more like ME again! I love Jackson, but man, I need to just be me.

I hate to sound selfish because I know I’m a mom now and Jackson should come first (and in that “I would die for him” sense, he does come first- I would die for Jackson), but I guess I am a little selfish. I want to feel like a person too and sometimes, I just need to feel like I still matter in my own life! I also want to feel like Jon and I are a married couple and not just parents together. I feel like we’ve settled more into a routine and because I have adjusted to this life some, I am staying up a little later after Jackson goes to bed so we have some time together (like right now). But it still is nothing like it used to be. Maybe after the wedding next weekend, we’ll go crazy and go to Shake Shack at 9:30pm like we did before Jackson was born. Or go have a drink and get crazy. (That will not happen- I will be way too tired.)

Alrighty, but really, now it’s almost 9:30pm and I am EXHAUSTED! I need to get some sleep in. This is my “long” stretch of sleep. I get to sleep anywhere from 2am to 3am since Jon does the last feed, and then I’m up for 2 hours and get up for good around 6:45. Goodnight everybody!

Losing My Cat

This has been a really rough few days. I miss Tom and feel more guilt than I could have imagined. I knew that he wasn’t eating as well for the last month and normally, I would have taken him to the vet, especially knowing that he had pancreatitis so recently. But I was so busy with Jackson that I didn’t… Although I know he was sick and he probably wouldn’t have lived to be 15, I wonder if we could have had another year with him. Or even another few weeks. If I had caught his pancreatitis earlier this time, it could have gotten better like it did last time. I also feel so guilty because I think Jon and I were both pretty aware that Tom was going to be put to sleep Monday but neither of us wanted to accept it. Instead of bringing him up for love with both of us on his last night, we left him in the cat carrier (where he wanted to be- I brought it into the bedroom and pet him every time I got up to feed Jackson and he could have come out if he wanted). Instead of Jon being there when we put him to sleep, Jon stayed home. I also thought so many times over the last month how I wasn’t spending enough time with the cats because of Jackson and I just brushed it off. He was just so young and I wasn’t ready for him to go. I really wish I could just go back and redo his whole last month. I know his time would have come sooner than later, but I wish I could be at peace with the last little bit of his life. As silly as it is, Jon and I both almost wish we had them put in a feeding tube, but we know it would have been selfish. Tom would have hated it and even the vet said that it would have been difficult to manage his diet with it. But would he have gotten better? I don’t know. We feel like maybe we gave up on him too soon. How could we give up on our family like that?

I know he was “just” a cat. But he was my baby and he was my baby before Jackson ever was. I can’t put into words how empty this house is. Jon’s shirt was on our bed last night and I walked into the room and thought it was Tommy. Every time I turn around, I expect Tom to be here. When I go into the bathroom, I wait for Tom to bust through the door (he was never gentle) and take a poop and then hop up onto the counter and sit on my makeup. I keep looking down so I don’t step on him in the kitchen since he would always plop down right in the middle of the floor. I want to cry every time I look at the food bowl because Tom would always try to reach his paws up into the reservoir and get more food out. I miss him laying in my arms while I’m on the computer and purring so loud. I can’t wash my pants that have his fur on them because once his fur is gone, he’ll be gone. I even had to have Jon scoop the litter box because I had seen him go in there the morning I put him to sleep and as silly as it is, I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of any piece of him.

It’s been rough. Jon and I have talked a lot about our good times with Tom and I’ve looked at millions of pictures of him. It’s heartbreaking knowing he’s not ever going to be here again and that he’s actually gone. He’s not just at the vet anymore waiting for me to go pick him up. I will never smoosh my face into his fat belly and give him kisses. I will never wake up to hear him snoring (so loud!) by my side. I will never wake up to him spooning with me or sitting on my head and demanding my love. The house feels so empty. I dread coming home and knowing that Tommy won’t be here.

This is so much harder than I ever thought it would have been. I knew that whenever the day came, putting a pet down would be difficult. I’ve had three other cats that have died since my childhood. I was 10 the first time it happened and we put Tiger to sleep. I remember being so upset about it but I was young and my cat wasn’t that affectionate. After that, I had gone to college by the time my cats died. Stinker died when he was 11, but I had been in Iraq for a year and my parents told me about it on the way home from the airport. So I hadn’t seen him in a year. And Sam was just put down two weeks ago, but he was 19 and lived a full life and went downhill really fast to the point where he couldn’t even get up to walk the morning my dad took him to the vet. Tom… Tom was a part of our life every day. He never left our side. This is the first pet that I went from seeing every day to being gone. My heart is broken into a million pieces. I get physically sick feeling when I think about how I won’t see him again.

I just want this to get easier. I want to stop missing Tom so much. Jon said he wants to go look at cats and get another orange cat and name him in honor of Tom (we’re thinking TJ for Tom Jr)… But I can’t do it yet. And that orange cat will have some big shoes to fill!

Losing Tom really makes me wonder how parents lose children. Or how Jon and I will handle it when we lose our parents. I know we’ll be a mess. I watched my best friend’s parents lose their daughter (my best friend’s sister, obviously) when I was in high school. I will never forget walking out of the hospital with them after that. And I just can’t imagine with how empty we feel losing a cat and how devastating this is, how hard it would be to lose a person.

And now for another photo gallery of Tom, because I need to see him some more. I need to share what an awesome cat he was and show everybody how loved he was and how much we loved him.

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This was actually in December after he got over his pancreatitis last time. I had been so upset about how sick he had been and I got home from work that night and Tom was back to himself. He crawled up into my arms and started purring for the first time in 5 days. You can see that I was crying tears of joy. I sent this picture to Jon since he was in Florida and he was so excited that our Tommy was better.

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Such a lover. We never picked him up. He would always crawl up onto us like that and make himself at home.

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If I wouldn’t hold him in my arms like in the first picture, he would just sit right next to me.

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That face!

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Before I had Jackson, I would stay in bed till 10am. Tom would always be sleeping on the bed with me, and when he saw that I was awake, a lot of times he would come get his cuddles. If I didn’t have to be anywhere, I would stay in bed extra long just to love on him. I am so glad I did that now. I’m so glad I just enjoyed his love and soaked it up in the morning before Jackson got here.

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His spot on the top of the couch.

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He looks so happy in this picture! Love his smile there.

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I feel like Tom has been a part of our lives forever, but when I look at this and see how small he was, I remember what a short time he was really with us for.

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Jon always used to tell me “Him luuuuuuh hi’ daddy!” And he did. Tom loved Jon so much. I woke up one morning and Jon was sound asleep and Tom had crawled under the covers with him. Again, he was much smaller in this picture…

Goodbye My Friend

I made a post the other day that mentioned that Tom (my cat) was sick again. I picked him up on Saturday because the vet’s office would be closed all weekend and brought him home. He was still looking really rough, but I was really hopeful that once he got home, his appetite would start to come back and we’d slowly get some food in him like we did last time he had pancreatitis. But that didn’t happen… He stayed in his cat carrier almost the entire time other than coming out to hang out on the porch for a few. His nose stayed dark purple and dry despite continuing his fluids at home. He looked miserable and he wasn’t even interested in food.

I talked to Jon yesterday about what we do next. Do we pay more? His vet bills last week totaled just over $1600. We were already so far into it that I wasn’t sure if we should spend a little more to get him healthy or would it just be a downward spiral and we’d end up paying a few thousand dollars a year on him? (We just spent $1000 on him in December on what the vet had said then was the most severe case of pancreatitis he had ever seen in a cat, and this case of pancreatitis blew that out of the water.) He just turned three. I knew that for him to be that sick, he has something wrong with him and we probably wouldn’t figure out what it was. We weren’t sure what we would do, but I was so hopeful going into the vet today that we would magically get an answer of how to fix him.

But I didn’t. I didn’t get any good news. Dr. P said we could try to do a feeding tube but even that wasn’t necessarily going to fix him. He has so much fat in his blood that managing the diet even through a feeding tube was going to be difficult for the vet. And they knew with how severely sick he was, it was going to happen again. Even if his pancreatitis got under control, he would end up with diabetes for sure. But given the severity of his illness this time, she didn’t think he would come out of this and not have another case. She said he’s a medical mystery and even the other vet came in and said that he wondered all weekend long what they could possibly do to fix him, but they hadn’t seen any cat ever present like he has, or as serious as he was.

So I called Jon and we made the decision to put him to sleep. Of course Jackson was not cooperating at all at the vet this morning and I am kicking myself so hard for taking him. Jon was home this morning and we had plans to go to the Braves Home Opener tonight, so I figured he wouldn’t get called in. But Jackson is always good so I went with it. And the whole time I was messing with Jackson and not paying attention to Tom.

They took Tom back to put an IV in him while I changed Jackson and then they brought Tom back and took Jackson to the back so the vet techs could hold him. They sedated Tom and put him to sleep while I held him and cried. I wish I had taken longer to say goodbye before he went. They asked if I needed another minute but I said no. I wish I had taken another minute or five or ten. I wish I had held him longer and given him a million more kisses and just felt him a little bit longer. Then he was gone…

I am devastated beyond words. I’m heartbroken. He was so young and he was always so entertaining. I told Jon all the time that our house would feel so empty without him here. He was by my side every day while I did homework (usually laying in my arms, actually) and slept with me and snored every night. He kept me company while I watched TV and sat on the bathroom counter every morning while I got ready. He would save Jon and me from the fan in the living room by standing up and meowing at it. He purred like an engine and hugged and cuddled our hands to his face. He brought so much joy to my life every single day and I missed him like crazy every time I was gone.

I can’t believe I won’t see him again. And I feel so guilty because I noticed that he hadn’t been eating over the last month. I mentioned it to Jon and I knew he was getting sick again, but he was acting fine and I was so caught up with Jackson. And I feel so silly for this, but I almost resent Jackson for taking my attention away from Tom. What if I had taken him to the vet earlier and we figured out what food would work for him to lower his triglycerides? What if we just put in a feeding tube today and he didn’t get sick again? Why didn’t I spend more time cuddling him and loving on him yesterday when I knew deep down that it was his last night with us? Instead, I cleaned the house. I pet him a few times but I never picked him up and cuddled him. I should have brought him in bed with me and loved on his one last time. But I didn’t. And I will never be able to again. And maybe I could have stopped him from getting so sick…

I feel like maybe I made the wrong decision today even though the vet assured me that he would never be a healthy cat and he would have a long road and be miserable again in the future. But my heart hurts so much. I feel sick thinking about not seeing him again. The house feels so empty without our other family member.

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One of my favorite pictures of Tom from when he was a kitten. I got him three years ago in March.

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He was always loving on me.

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Hanging out while I did homework.

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My favorite picture of us. He was hugging me.

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Another one of my favorite pictures.

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Okay, they’re all my favorite! He loved Jon so much! He was always sleeping on his chest. I would come pump at night while Jon slept on the couch and Tom would be sleeping right up by his face.

Photo on 10-28-15 at 1.27 PM

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He loved to spoon with us in bed. He’d come lay like that and then hug our arms to pull them close to him.

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That’s it… Maybe a little morbid, but that’s my last photo of him after he was gone.

That last picture breaks my heart. I wanted to bring him home and be able to hold onto him longer. I didn’t, but I wanted to so bad. It broke my heart watching the vet walk away with him and giving him one last kiss. I wanted to hold him forever. I’ve had pets die, but I have never been there when it happened. (We actually just put my other cat down two weeks ago, but I haven’t lived with him in years and he was 19 years old.) Tommy just turned 3…

Goodbye, Tommy. You were the most loved cat ever. I can’t put into words how much you’ll be missed.