Sex in a Marriage

I have all kinds of serious posts lately! Well, not that my sugar problems are serious. They’re not really that serious. (Except I did eat three servings of chocolate and peanut butter popcorn yesterday but hey, now the bag is almost empty!)

I stumbled across this article this morning about not wanting to have sex  by Scary Mommy.

As I discussed in one of my last posts, pregnancy has changed a lot about sex. It’s just not enjoyable right now. Jon has been absolutely fantastic about it. He hasn’t pushed me to have sex at all since I’ve been pregnant and he hasn’t ever made me feel guilty for not wanting to. I know plenty of pregnant women who have the opposite experience with their spouses, but then again, I also know pregnant women who still enjoy having sex while they’re pregnant.

I still love my husband, obviously, but this is a tough part about marriage. We don’t connect as well when we’re not having sex. It just doesn’t happen. Jon connects with me much better when we have sex regularly. He tends to be able to overlook my annoying habits (and those habits are worse while I’m pregnant) much better when he’s getting his jollies off regularly. And I totally get that. Sex has always been a really important part of marriage to him, whereas with me, not so much. Our expectations of how frequently we should have sex are totally different, but it’s something we had worked through before I ever got pregnant.

But being pregnant has been totally different. I just pretty much never want to have sex. The desire isn’t there. Sometimes we try and sometimes I get in the mood and sometimes, it just doesn’t work for me at all. Obviously, I feel like one of my “wifely duties” is to have sex with my husband and to enjoy it. I don’t think I need to have sex with him every day or even every other day, but I do think it’s important to have that connection with your husband.

While I totally get that I’m pregnant and my hormones have changed and my body has changed (and I don’t mean that I feel unattractive- I don’t- Jon still makes me feel sexy while pregnant and I know he is attracted to me, but my boobs have changed and my vagina has changed and there is an entire baby sitting inside of me that just gets in the way), it still makes me feel guilty to not want to have sex. Obviously, Jon will take care of things on his own, but I always feel terrible when he does. I know that I shouldn’t because this is just part of marriage. Our sex life is going to go through good times and bad times, as is everything else about our marriage. But I already feel bad about not being interested in fulfilling that aspect of our marriage, so when he has to resort to taking care of business alone, then I feel like a failure as a wife.

I’ll just reiterate again that Jon does absolutely nothing at all to make me feel that way. I think it’s just the hormones and the realization that our entire life is changing because of this baby, including something as simple as our sex life (but I also know that sex lives in marriages are not always simple, either). I just want to feel like I am still able to meet my husband’s needs, but the fact of the matter is that I just don’t have interest in that right now. That is something that has been really difficult for me to deal with and has made me really emotional at times, because I so badly want to make Jon feel as important as I feel like he is, and that’s one of the ways I can convey that to him. Men aren’t as good at women as understanding that I can still love and value him as much as I could possibly imagine, but still not want to have sex with him. Jon especially equates his value as my husband and how attracted I am to him with how interested I am in sex, and I don’t feel like that in the slightest. To me, sex doesn’t have anything to do with his value or my attraction to him.

I read plenty of comments on that blog about how common this is and how supportive husbands are of the lack of interest in sex by their wives. And I read another about how you can’t expect your husband to stay faithful if you don’t fulfill his needs. I’ve told Jon since we got married that I will be surprised if we make it a lifetime and neither of us cheats. Not that we have any intentions at all, but realistically, there are tons of spouses out there who cheat. Now, I think there is a huge difference between a one time mistake and a long term affair (and between seeking it out and having it just happen), but I don’t necessarily think that a one time cheating episode is divorce worthy. I feel as though Jon is the type of man who would never cheat no matter what because that’s how he was raised and those are the type of men he is surrounded by, but you never know that for sure. Anything can happen. And I know that by not being interested in something so important to Jon, of course that raises those chances. I don’t worry about Jon cheating and that is not why I feel guilty about not wanting to have sex, I just like to acknowledge that I do understand that when a person feels unfulfilled in any way in a marriage, that straying can and does happen.

Anyway, so that’s really about it. Although I feel a bit strange discussing our sex life in depth so publicly, I also try to be completely honest on here and this is just part of marriage, or of any long term relationship, really. We can’t always be on the same page. Unfortunately, when that desire is not there at a all, sometimes it’s hard to manage to get on the same page for even 15 minutes. So far, we haven’t found anything that works for us and I think we’ve just kind of grown accustomed to this, but that’s not what I want. While he seems to have accepted our differences for now, it’s not something that I’ve accepted. I still feel guilty and still want to find something that works. Before we got pregnant, if he tried to get me in the mood, it would almost always work. Now, that isn’t even a success a lot of the times. And when that isn’t a success, I end up feeling worse in the end.