So, I wrote about some marriage stuff the other day in my blog. Jon and I have still been arguing a somewhat decent amount, although, we definitely enjoy each other more in between how irritated we are by each other. I really want to get into marriage counseling because I think it would be super beneficial (once you find the right therapist) for anybody! We definitely do better when we sit down and discuss things when we’re not annoyed with each other, and I’m sure a neutral third person would be nice to have too!
I’m really trying not to be so demanding lately. I’m a really controlling person naturally. My way is pretty much always the best way to do everything. I don’t know, I guess I just can’t help the fact that I was born being pretty much good at every task in life (that’s a half-joke, haha). But really, I hate that I make Jon feel unwelcome in his own house because everything has to be my way. I know I am totally like this. Part of me just wishes Jon would ignore me and do his own thing and not let me bother him (like I feel like most males would do), but apparently I married a Sensitive Sally.
Although I have still not been super successful yet, there have been a few instances I have actually done well.
As a quick side note: I used to write an anonymous dating blog while Jon and I were broken up and when we first got back together. It was actually really helpful because instead of just acting on everything I thought, I would type it out and it gave me a chance to think through things. Maybe now that my life has changed, instead of posting pictures of what I eat in a day (because that looks like carrot cake, chocolate chips, coffee, an egg sandwich, and blueberries- I eat like shit now), I’ll actually start posting some more “personal” things. It’s good therapy.
I wish I could remember why Jon annoyed me the other day. I think he claimed he was making a joke, but I kind of flipped my shit on him. I’ve been pretty stressed out with him being gone and I think I asked for help and he gave me a hard time, so I probably sort of lost it. I don’t actually remember exactly. What I do remember is that I was washing bottles and I was so upset with him and I wanted him to know exactly what I was thinking, even though he said he didn’t want to talk about it anymore! But I still needed to explain again, just to make sure he didn’t act like that ever. again. (See, I’m ridiculous.) I went out to the porch where he was cleaning up to give him a piece of my mind and when I got out there, all I said was something along the lines of, “Hey, I’m really sorry that I make you feel unappreciated. You are so appreciated and I hate that I don’t communicate that effectively. I don’t know what I would do without you.” I even kind of surprised myself because that was totally not what I planned on saying and it’s only like, 30 feet to the patio. That just kind of came out. It was like word vomit, but in a good way. And then he thanked me and we hugged and then it was all better.
Jon also ran my toenail over with a plastic bin when we were organizing our closet. I would have loved to be like, “YOU IDIOT! HOW DARE YOU SMASH MY TOENAIL! DIDN’T YOU SEE ME STANDING THERE?!” I kid about the idiot part- we actually don’t call each other names. But I totally overreact about mistakes usually. And he’s human! I mean, one time I packed for a drill weekend for Jon (back when we drove from Atlanta to Jacksonville for drill every month before we were married) and I forgot his uniforms AND his boots! I packed everything BUT his Army stuff. And he wasn’t even mad about it! I would have been livid! So, I just dealt with the minor toenail pain (and a bloody nail bed- it’s still there) and didn’t make a big deal out of it. I don’t think I even said anything to him other than letting him know that my toe hurt 45 times. But he apologized and I just let it go.
He also just forgot my entire make up bag at my mom and dad’s house. It’s a huge coral colored bag! And it was in the bathroom next to everything else! But he forgot it! I didn’t mention it. I just said I could go get it today and he offered to go up there and pick it up. No dramatic blaming or frustration.
Jon went to put Jackson down for bed at my parent’s house on Saturday night. When I put Jackson down, I feed him in his dark bedroom and lay him in his crib. He goes to sleep like a champ. On Thursday night, I let my mom feed him and he ate downstairs with the TV on. He fussed for way longer than usual before falling asleep. So on Saturday, I asked Jon if he would feed Jackson in the bedroom with the lights off and he said no. He took Jackson downstairs and Jackson ended up fussing for awhile again before bed. I was so irritated by it because I spend a ton of time with Jackson! We have a system down and I know what works well for him. I also knew that we had just tried feeding him downstairs with the TV on two nights ago and it didn’t go that well. Clearly he should just listen to my input when it comes to Jackson! We got in the car to leave and I planned on discussing this with him, but by the time we actually got in the car, I decided it just wasn’t worth it. I want him to feel like an equal (or almost equal- I do spend way more time with Jackson) parent and not ridiculed every time he makes a decision for how to care for Jackson. So, instead I just held his hand and let it go!
For each of these “wins,” I also have failed a ton. I still snap back at Jon and when I feel like he answers with attitude, I usually am not so nice. I actually told him the other day that it’s not what he says, it’s the tone he says it with. I guess I really have become a mother, because I’m pretty sure that was something my mom used to tell me all the time when I was a kid.
We totally have lots of work to do on our marriage. I still wish I had married this easygoing person who just let me be a crazy person half the time without it affecting him, but I didn’t. And I love Jon, even if he will never clean a house like I do and he still leaves his dang peanut butter in his cereal bowls for me to scrape out regularly. I just need to learn to let go sometimes and let him make decisions.